A FEW YEARS BACK, I built a snowman. It was a normal snowman, except with a big old penis.
I’d woke up on a winter morning with nothing to do. The day before I’d noticed that the snow was perfectly packy, so I thought I’d make a snowman. But a regular snowman would be boring (not to mention a bit immature). I’d have to do something different, but I didn’t want to think too hard about what should be different, so I made the first thing that came to mind, which was a penis.
Was there a reason I defiled innocent winter fun by sculpting this large member onto my snowman? Was it to mess with my dad? (This was on his lawn, after all.) Maybe it was the concept of taking ten minutes to build the snowman, but an hour or more for schlong sculpting. Did I just have dick on the noggin’, or was I screaming into the existential void that is snow art?
Who knows. Maybe it was all of the above. Here are some pictures:
It was only after completing my ode to the shaft that I realized this thing needed to survive. The problem was, being outdoors, the dick might not last. So for the next few mornings, I’d go outside with a glass of water. I’d pour some water into my hand, make sure no one was driving by, and run my hand along the shaft (repeatedly). My goal was not to give a snowman a handjob, but to freeze the sculpture, so the dick would last longer than the snowman, so in the spring there would be a dick on the lawn when everything else had melted. And wouldn’t that look funny? An ice dick, on your lawn, in the spring?
Alas, one night, there was a storm. In the morning, new snow had fallen. I went to the kitchen window, like an excited British schoolboy the day before Christmas, to check on the snowman. His head was a big cone. It was an interesting collaboration on Nature’s part, but I wasn’t a complete fan of its work: the weather had completely ignored my original vision. Now my snowman just looked stupid.
In my pyjamas, with one hand holding the glass of water, I went outside and discovered the dick was missing. It hadn’t fully become ice, and hadn’t been strong enough to survive the new snow. It had fallen somewhere: I dug a little with my hand but couldn’t find it.
The snow dick was gone, and everywhere I looked, there was snow dick.