WINNIPEG—A thirty-eight-year-old Winnipeg man has attempted to summon the title role of a Tim Burton blockbuster.
A neighbour of the family, wishing to remain unnamed, called the police after overhearing the man next door become verbally aggressive, and “attempting to summon the demon Beetlejuice.”
Witnesses report the man was up to his second time saying Beetlejuice by the time officers arrived and gagged him.
“It’s scary to think how close he came,” said a female witness. “It only would have taken one more time, and we’d have a freelance bio-exorcist on our hands.”
Police spokesmen confirm that the man failed to successfully summon a demon from the afterlife, famous comedic figure or otherwise. Though conflicting reports indicate Michael Keaton was spotted in a nearby suburb promoting his latest film, the police deny claims that Mr. Keaton was summoned to Winnipeg via the dark arts.
The editors would like to point out to concerned readers that this article has only made two mentions of the name Beetlejuice—unless you count the title—or this bit at the end—oh crap. Whoops.